The Da Vinci Collar

Dan Brown eat your heart out!

I wake up, stretch – where am I? The room is clinical; I notice my collar on a chair in the corner, and that smell – yes, I’m in a vets, but where?

A nurse comes in saying something I don’t understand. In fact most of what humans say I don’t understand, but this is different, she’s speaking a funny language. What is it – I know it’s Italian. What a surprise – me, the world famous symbologist and I’m in Italy yet again.

This time I’m trying to stop the spread of a deadly virus and I’ve got to run all around Florence with people wot are trying to catch me. And guess wot – I’ve got to solve loads of puzzles along the way from Dante’s Inferno. Now don’t get me wrong, I quite like running and I’m good at puzzles, but didn’t I do all of this in my first book – Da Itchy Collar, where I woz chased all over Paris by a mad monk wot woz trying to kill me and then there woz Alsatians and Dalmatians where I woz chased all over Venice by the Illuminati wot were trying to kill me, not forgetting The Lost Saluki where I am chased all over Washington DC solving codes along the way with Freemasons trying to kill me

Me breaking the kibbleacci codex.

Wotever, enjoy the new book and if you’re looking for a few quiet and relaxing days away to read the new Dan Brown, Inferno, book – come and stay with me at The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly B and B, Nether Stowey, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset

Luv Ozy

Live Long and Prosper

I reely apologise for the delay in getting this blog out. Ian has been busy sacking people and I still can’t get my bark recognition software to work properly. But here is wot’s been happening for the past few weeks…

Me with a birthday present. SMASHING!

Firstly, it woz my birthday. I’m ten you know. That is reely old for a dog and according to Saturday’s Daily Telegraph I’m 75. Not that I act my age – mainly because I take after my owners. Little dogs live longer than big dogs and Labradors are sort of in the middle. I keep reely fit and don’t over indulge, keeping to the Government’s recommended 3-4 biscuit units a day. Ian misread the recommendations and has been trying to drink 34 beer units a day! I also saw in the article that one in ten cats have dementia. I’m pretty sure that 90% of cats have it as they are mad!

I had my birthday party in the Rose and Crown and Ian did a quiz all about dogs. He also made a special Labrador Lager and all my mates came and gave me chews and biscuits and stuff. In fact I got so much I am thinking of having another birthday soon.

I’m not sure about the Daily Telegraph, but they also had an article on scientists designing computers for dogs. Now I use my iPaw regularly for communicating with my mates – SnoutBook and Poodle+ and stuff like that, but soon we will be able to operate household appliances and communicate with our owners. Now I’m not sure why you need a computer to communicate with your owner when a simple “woof” (I’m hungry) or “woof” (Let me in) or “woof” (Let me out) usually suffices.

I have a vocabulary of about 50 words, 45 of which are to do with food.

Supposedly, we will soon be living in ‘Smart Kennels’ with computers inside making everyday tasks like chewing up a newspaper or knocking off a tray of cups with your tail just a matter of hitting the return key and getting a machine to do it for you. Dogs will be able to raise an alarm and summon the emergency services by pushing a button, putting dogs like Lassie and Rin Tin Tin out of a job. These buttons will, no doubt, have a range of commands such as “What’s that Lassie, Young Bob’s fallen down the deserted mineshaft and broken his leg”. Ian, of course, is rubbing his hands (paws) thinking of all those dog redundancies.

Wotever, all this technology will probably make young dogs lazier and fatter and with the new Wii Ball Chasing game dogs can get all the exercise they need by staying indoors and pretending to chase the ball from the comfort of their own basket.

Beware the Captain’s Log!

Finally, I see that there is a new Star Trek film out. I auditioned for the lead role but found that the use of the words ‘lead’ and ‘roll’ were nothing to do with walks and fox poo. I do like Spock because he has hair and ears like a Labrador.

Well, that’s it for this week. I am trying to get Ian to put my blog up the list of his priorities – but he says that writing my blog doesn’t pay as well as sacking people.

Don’t forget to come and see me at The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly B&B, Quantocks, Somerset

Ozy the Labrador

BBC Class Calculator – What Class is your Dog?

I know my place – BBC Class Survey

I have been attempting to do the BBC Class Survey – you know the Class Calculator that attempts to analyse the modern British class system.

I got Ian to log on for me but unfortunately he managed to log onto the wrong class survey! Ian, YOU ARE AN IDIOT! This one took ages to complete – and I had to lie about my age (and that I woz a dog) and in the end it told me I woz a TREE!

It seems I am a tree!

After a while we found the proper survey on the BBC site This one woz much easier to complete. This had questions about how much I earned (6.19 bisucuits an hour (National Minimum Bisucuit Rate)), where I lived, how much savings I had (I’m sure HMRC look at this!) wot sort of people I know and if I use social media. At the end of the survey I woz a ‘New Affulent Worker‘. This wozn’t bad as I thort I might be an Emergent Service Worker given my napkin collecting and the fact I use social media. Luckily I wozn’t a Precariat (wotever one of those is). Have a look at the BBC site for details of all these classes.

I am a New Effluent Worker!

However, the survey wozn’t really designed for dogs and I have a horrible feeling that me entering my details will mess up all future research for young university graduates. So I have designed my own survey which is a bit more dog-centric.

This survey attempts to class all dogs (even stupid ones like Bassets) according to a number of sensible criteria such as; where they live, wot they eat, who their mates are, where they go on holiday etc. It’s really easy to take the survey. Just CLICK HERE FOR SURVEY or use the button.

Remember, if you fancy discussing class with a Labrador, then come and visit me at The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly Bed and Breakfast, Nether Stowey, Quantock Hills, Quantocks, Somerset.

Luv, Ozy

Dark Matter

It has baffled scientists for decades but I may have discovered ‘Dark Matter’ in my basket. It seems that 27% of the mass of the Universe is a mystery, but must exist due to the speed of rotation of the Galaxy.

Dark Matter in my bed

After spending $2 billion and getting Ian to take a few photos with his Kodak on ‘sports’ mode I think I have the answer.

Most of the Dark Matter is, in fact, my fur. This tends to fall out – mainly on the lighter coloured carpets in the house, but some is retained in my bed. The rest is made up of half eaten charcoal biscuits, bits of mud from the Quantocks and fox poo.

The Dark Matter seems to be benign and hasn’t had any adverse effect on Derek the Rat or Pierre Bear.

So, if you’re Professor Brian Cox or someone else who is reely clever and was in a band (and I’m thinking of Brian May or Myleene Klass here) then come and visit me at The Old Cider House

Luv Ozy

FRANCE

I have been on holiday to FRANCE, so that’s why it’s been a week or so since my last blog.

The holiday didn’t get off to a great start as we had to go by ferry rather than the reely fast hydrofoil. This meant that I was in the hold for about seven hours. I felt a bit like Kunta Kinte in Roots. However, I just went to sleep and then we were there.

France woz snowy – well, I say that. There woz a bit of snow by the side of the roads – but you would have thort the four horsemen of the Apocalypse had arrived if you watched French television. They are worse than the Daily Mail at exaggerating things! Whatever, we were going further south to the Loire and there was no snow there.

We stayed in a place called a git and this woz right on the coast so I could go SWIMMING every day. This woz FANTATIC (if not a bit nippy). There were loads of weird animals outside our git (none of which I woz allowed to chase). There woz a dirty great big rat thing called a coypu and then some birds like wot had got a spoon stuck to their beaks. Lynne said they were spoonbills (not a very imaginative name if you ask me), then there were egrets and other non-edible birds and I soon got bored of them.

Ian thought this would make a funny picture – I’m going to kill him!

The best bit (apart from swimming) woz that I could go into restaurants (apart from the reely posh one – I think they saw how scruffy my fur woz and decided I would bring the tone of the place down). This meant that I could taste loads of different food wot I normally don’t get at home. The tête de veau was quite nice. It is made from cows’ heads – serves then right for chasing me around fields if you ask me. I woz also given some ostrich oesophagus chews (very interesting). I wanted to have some horse. Ian tried to fool me by buying me a burger but I saw that it wozn’t from Tesco so it couldn’t be.

Fado wearing a lampshade

Then we went to see some friends in Chinon wot is a lovely place. This is where Fado lives and his owners also run a bed and breakfast (they call them ‘charming dotes’). This woz lovely although Fado had just had his bits cut off so had to wear one of those lampshade things. We had lovely food and I woz even allowed to go into a stately home (shato). I’ve never been into a posh place like this before and, to tell you the truth I go a bit bored, although Ian and Lynne seemed to enjoy themselves.

Me in a shato. Unfortunately, it wasn’t real food!

We are now back in the UK and had a busy Easter. Ian says we have some rooms free during the week, so if you want to come and see me, just pick up the phone and call them on 01278 732228 or you can even book on-line at The Old Cider House website.

Next week I am doing a special law blog on the Government’s changes to Beagle Aid – I need to do a bit of research first as I’m not sure why beagles should have got any help to start with.

Luz Ozy

God’s Labrador

Ian told me that the Pope has resigned. I have no idea wot a pope is so I looked it up on Dogipedia (the site run and edited by dogs). It appears the last Pope, Benedict XVI woz called God’s Rottweiler or the German Shepherd. So, I thort, if those dogs can be Pope, why not a Labrador? There is a lot of pressure to elect a Pope wot is from South America or Africa – and I am black – problem solved.

I looked to see if there woz a job description and here it is:

Job:        Pope – Head of the Catholic Church. Flock leader. I wuld be good at this as I do not chase sheep.

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Location:     Vatican. I have no idea where this is but as long as it isn’t the Cativan I’m sure Ian would drive me there in his Citroën Belingo.    

Pay:        Negotiable. I usually work for the National Minimum Biscuit Rate.

Benefits:    Company Popemobile, Accommodation. Good, that means Ian doesn’t need to use the Belingo for work related stuff and I hear that the Pope’s house is reely big – it’s called the Sistine Kennel.

Sex:        Must be male. I am a boy dog although I have had my pocket picked!

Reporting to:    Dog. Or at least that’s what I thort they said

Successful applicants will have responsibility for 1.2 billion people, have a good knowledge of the Bible and be good at public speaking and wearing dresses. Applicants will also be able to Tweet in Latin.

1.2 billion seems to be an awful lot of people to look after. Ian said it woz more than in the whole of Nether Stowey AND Bridgwater. I don’t know wot a Bible is but I do know wot books are – they are the things you can chew up if they are left on the floor. I often dress up for my blogs – so wearing a dress wuld be alright as long as it woz only at the weekends.

@ozythepope Possum Tweet in canis vel latina quamdiu Babelfish est opus proprie

I hear that I may be up against some strong competition. Bonio from U2 is said to be in the running as is Father Dougal Maguire from Father Ted and The Magic Roundabout.

The Dog Delusion

Ian says I would make a very good Catholic priest as I am good with young children and understand the importance of grooming.

All in all I’m going off the idea of becoming a pope – especially as I’m more of a Richard Dawkins dog myself.

If you fancy discussing ecumenical matters or the existence of Dog, visit me here at The Old Cider House, Pope-friendly B&B, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset

Luv, Ozy

News Stories – February

My local pet shop has removed my Adult Large Breed Eukanuba from its shelves while it checks out whether it contains horse. I got Ian to read out the ingredients on the pack and it contains mainly chicken and turkey and some ‘beef pulp’ – DELICIOUS! But no horse and this is a bit of a shame coz I quite like horse.

A few years ago I woz on holiday in France and we had horse burgers – not those Tesco economy ones but real 100% straight from the hoof stuff from the chevalier. It woz reely good and very healthy. So, if you have got any Findus lasagnes in your freezer and you are not happy eating them, send them to me and I will dispose of them for you.

I have stopped sleeping in the bathroom after reading about the man with the sticky legs wot shot his girlfriend coz he thort she was a burglar. This is all a bit strange if you ask me. I’ve got sticky legs and can run quite fast, but I wouldn’t go round shooting people in bathrooms – bad Oscar, bad!

Ian has been insufferable (again). He has been on the radio again with the Emma Briton woman wot does the morning show on BBC Radio Somerset. Having said that, this time he woz talking about dogs and microchipping. You can listen to him droning on about it below.

Now, I am in two minds about this; firstly it seems like a good idea coz if you get lost or something or someone bad steals you (and you haven’t got an Oscar Pistorius to shot them) then the police use a machine to find out who you are and give you back. On the other hand, it seems a bit like you are a number (like the Prisoner) and not a canine. I’ve been reviewing my Canine Rights Act stuff although though poor drafting it doesn’t specifically mention microchipping.

Me in the sun – Yes, ‘SUN’!

Finally, a strange thing happened – there woz some sun. I had forgotten wot is woz like, but it was reely nice on my fur. I am predicting that there will be sun for the rest of the year, so what’s stopping you from spending a few days in the UK’s most dog friendly accommodation (Kennel Club 2008)?

Luv Ozy

I promise to get more blogs out from now on. Ian has been busy and my bark-recognition software still needs tweeking. I’m already writing my blog on ‘Applying to be Pope’ – should upset any number of people.