FOX POO AND DEAD BADGER

In the running around the field game yesterday, my horse came 13th! This was very disappointing as I had got a first and a third in the last two years and I have become to rely on those winnings for my holiday money. Ian said that I shouldn’t rely on gambling as an income, but because I get so little money from doing napkins and stuff I need to supplement my income somehow.

This afternoon I am going to bet on the blue team to win the Boat Race.

Dog and Cat Argument Service

Dog and Cat Argument Service

Today is the first day of the new Dog and Cat Argument Service (DACAS). This means that if you have an argument with another family pet member then instead of growling (dogs) or spitting (cats), you now have to go through DACAS (actually you are not obliged to do so until 6th May – as Ian keeps shouting at the BBC Radio 4 broadcasters).

DACAS will take your details about who’s allowed to sit on the sofa or who gets the blame for digging up the tomato plants and then talk nicely to you. This is all part of the Government’s scheme to stop people using the Employment Tribunal (although charging dogs and cats 1,200 biscuits seems to have had the desired effect).

Finally, Ian has made a smell in the office.

The Smell of Exmoor!

The Smell of Exmoor!

This comes from the new Air Wick ‘Scent of Exmoor’ air freshener wot he has put in the office. Supposedly this smells of ‘sea spray and ocean minerals’. I think it smells like the stuff Lynne puts down the toilet when someone has done a poo!

Ian thort it would be a good idea to find out wot the Quantocks smell like and has done a competition. Wot you have to do is log onto the competition page by CLICKING HERE or on the picture of the Air Wick box and put down what you think the aroma of Quantock Hills  contains. I have suggested; dead badger, fox poo with overtones of stag musk. The winner will get to stay at The Old Cider House and get their perfume made up (there’s a firm wot does this, although I didn’t actually see any mention of badger on their site!

Well, that’s enough for today. Remember that Somerset is open for business and I look forward to seeing you all over the spring and summer.

Luv, Ozy

The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly Bed and Breakfast, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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12 Years a Slave Dog

I woz born a free dog in the village of Huntsworth, near Bridgwater. My life woz idyllic, playing with my brothers and sisters without a care in the World – then that all changed.

Please come and rescue me!

Please come and rescue me!

I woz approached by a couple of people wot said they owned a bed and breakfast in the Quantock Hills and offered me a high paid job helping in the guesthouse – clearing tables and stuff. It woz an offer that I culdn’t refuse, so I packed up my blanket and bowl and followed them to the Quantocks. Little did I know that they were crooks and I woz told never to mention my free life in Huntsworth again.

I woz transported to Nether Stowey in a Ford Galaxy and immediately put into a collar and lead, something that I have had to wear ever since. From then on my life has been one of toil and hardship. I even have to eat my food out of a bowl on the floor!

The first thing they made me do woz learn how to do stuff in the guesthouse; clearing napkins and tablecloths after breakfast, putting pillowslips into the washing machine and doing ‘spillage cleaning’ jobs wen something fell off of the kitchen counter onto the floor (wot isn’t too bad I suppose).

I also had to be nice to other dogs wot visit The Old Cider House and I am sure that it woz my hard work wot got them to be the winner of the Kennel Club’s best B&B in the UK award a few years ago. It’s all well and good being one of the most dog friendly places in the South West, but I don’t have much time to myself.

I have set up a website for other dogs wot are also suffering called www.law4dogs.co.uk and I am hoping to be freed in the near future.

I have heard that they are going to make a film of my life. I think Morgan Freedog would play me well as an older dog and perhaps Brad Pitbull could also star in it.

So it’s back to the grind…

If you want to come and help rescue me, then I’m at The Old Cider House, Nether Stowey, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset – dog friendly bed and breakfast accommodation.

Luv, Ozy

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It’s Only Weather

Very funny - ha, ha!

Very funny – ha, ha!

As I am only 14 inches off the ground (I know this coz Ian measured me with the tape measure – it woz like an episode of ‘Are you Being Served‘ and I woz expecting Mr Humphries to mention my bits and Mrs Slocomb’s pussy [see here for some fantastic quotes]) – where woz I…. oh yes….so water levels are very important when your willy is so near the ground and if you believed everything you saw in the Press or on the BBC you would have thought the whole Country was under water.

I live in the Quantock Hills in West Somerset these are 300 metres above sea level. The Somerset Levels are a sparsely populated coastal plain and wetland area of reclaimed land consisting of coastal clay and peat and most of the area is at mean sea level. They grow willow and teasel there as well as grass coz it is WET and always has been. Now don’t get me wrong if you’ve got loads of water around your bits for weeks on end you’re going to be a bit cheesed off, but this doesn’t mean that Somerset is closed for business.

In 1919, 70,000 acres (283 km²) were flooded. In 1872/3, 277 km² was underwater from October to March. This year 65 km² was flooded, but they didn’t have Sky News in 1919 or 1872. And on that point, the number of journalists in the Levels far outnumber the population at the moment. The areas that are flooded are spectacular – with water as far as you can see. However, this was how it used to look and proposals were being considered to return the area to a couple of inland seas before the latest flooding.

Sunday, 16th February 2014 - Kilve Beach in the sun

Sunday, 16th February 2014 – Kilve Beach in the sun

Today is a lovely early spring day. The sun is shining and Lynne, Ian and I are off to Kilve Beach for a walk in the north of the Quantocks. Other than that it’s WEATHER – get over it as we’ll be moaning about the drought in the summer and climate change and the fact that we’re all doomed.

The people wot run hospitality businesses in the South West have seen visitor numbers drop by 65% this year. It’s up to you sensible people to spread the news that we’re open for business and looking forward to seeing a few guests – although I suggest you bring a brolly.

See you soon and don’t worry if you are a short dog as you can be carried over any puddles.

Luv, Ozy – The Old Cider House, Nether Stowey (70 metres above sea level), Somerset – Dog Friendly Hotel

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DOG MARKETING

January is very quiet – Ian says this is really bad coz there is the moregage to pay and ‘those nice people at HMRC’ also want money to give to poor dogs in Liverpool wot sit around and watch Sky TV all day and smoke cigarettes and stuff. Therefore Ian has designated January as ‘Marketing Month’ and I have to come up with my marketing plan for the next 12 months in order to get more dog guests in.

I’ve started by visualising my target audience personas or ‘client profiling’. This is like thinking of a dog guest wot you want to come and stay and then structure your marketing so that they want to come and stay. Personally, I like Labradors coz they are very handsome and clever (especially the black ones). So I have imagined him or her as the ideal guest.

This is a dream I often have.

This is a dream I often have.

So, what would appeal to a Labrador? Answer FOOD – so all my advertising and marketing has to revolve around food. We already give away free home-made biscuits and there’s always a bowl of treats and dog-choc-drops in the hall and we even give dog a free trial pack of Tea for Dogs (personally I think it tastes like wee – but smaller dogs with funny owners might like it). But is this enough? Well, the pubs in Nether Stowey all have biscuits behind the bar (The Rose and Crown and Ancient Mariner) and Bill at the George Hotel has Scooby Snacks wot are reelly nice.

However, Ian has just asked me wot happens if the dog guest is not a Labrador and not completely obsessed with food, like wot I am. Well this is a bit of a problem. We put out walk books for dogs and even poo bags – but it’s difficult to market wen a dog doesn’t eat. I am now going back to my doggie mind-map to see if I can come up with some gud ideas.

So here’s my plan

1) Objectives

To increase the amount of dogs wot stay with us over 2014

2) Product/Service

Ian and Lynne provide a dog friendly guesthouse with two rooms being designated ‘pet friendly’ – the Poets  and Orchard Rooms       

3) Customers

These are humans (mainly) wot have dogs (or even cats) and want to go on holiday with those dogs (and cats).   

4) Competitors and SWOT analysis

There are a few dog friendly places around but we are the nicest.

  • Strengths – well established, reely nice, gud walks and stuff
  • Weakness – I don’t have any weaknesses, I am a strong dog
  • Opportunities – there must be loads of people out there wot want to go on holiday in a nice place
  • Threats – if you don’t come and stay we will beat you up

5) Positioning and USP

I’m not sure I have an usp. I do have a bowl and lead, but honestly have no idea wot an usp is!     

6) Pricing

£3.00 per dog per night – this is reely cheep   

7) Sales & Support

Lynne deals with this sort of stuff. She sits at the square boxy thing in the office and does moving her fingers and then pictures come up on a screen.     

8) Promotion

Lynne puts our name on loads of websites    

9) Budget

We have never had one of these or a parrot  

10) Action Plan

Wot do you think this is?

Luz, Ozy the Labrador, The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly Bed and Breakfast, Somerset

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It’s Christmas

I know it’s Christmas because Ian keeps putting on that Mariah Carey CD wot hurts my ears and Classic FM keep playing the same music wot they did last year except that this year they have gone trendy with a bloke on a guitar playing ‘Fairytale of New York’ every ten minutes.

Well Christmas has come early, with my cousin, Barky Harvey, already here – Blimey, it’s like a Jane Austen novel with family coming for the ‘Season’ and talk of balls and Death Comes to Pemberley on the television.

I didn’t write a letter to Father Christmas this year, coz last year he woz RUBBISH. I asked for loads of stuff and all I got woz some chews and biscuits. Don’t get me wrong, I like chews and stuff, but the iBone 5 and iPaw would have brought me into the 21st Century and allowed me to do good blogs and stuff. I have had a bit of a sniff around the tree and found some presents that were for me – in fact I have managed to open one already (don’t tell anyone).

If they will leave stuff on the floor!

If they will leave stuff on the floor!

I think Menace is going to buy me a new lead as my old one is a bit tatty and I have asked for a new mat to put my bowl on as the current one is disgusting and I am worried about getting food poisoning every time I lick it, (just in case some of my kibble has escaped out of my bowl). Other than that it will be the same as last year – sleep, pub, brussel sprouts (Ian has put them on already so that they are properly cooked), walk, sleep. Lynne woz going to do a Nigella Christmas and has been crushing up Drontal tablets and putting them in £50 notes. However, she’s changed her mind and we’re now having a Gordon Ramsey Christmas with f’ing turkey and stuff.

Ian has made some reely nice Christmas beer wot he is taking down to the Rose and Crown so there will be plenty of visits down the pub I hope.

So, I hope you all have a reely good Christmas. Remember, if you are a dog you mustn’t eat chocolate or mince pies (unless it’s just the pastry) and if you are a human then be careful about drinking too much of Ian’s beer.

See you all in 2014.

Luv, Ozy

The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly B&B, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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Movember

Yes, I know it’s December, but this is a serious thing about looking after yourself if you are a man human.

Now as a Labrador, I pay a lot of attention to my private parts and spent hours at night making sure my willy is nice and clean and in good working order. However, humans need to do the same.

Ian says it tickles when I kiss him

Ian says it tickles when I kiss him

Last month, humans (and dogs) were invited to grow a moustache to raise awareness of men’s health issues, such as prostate cancer and problems wot male humans get. I got an email from woofandbrew.com wot make teas for dogs (honestly!) and they invited me to send them a photo of me with my moustache – and here it is. I really wanted to send a copy of my very clean willy, but Ian said that would not be appropriate. SEE ALL THE PHOTOS BY CLICKING HERE

Tea for dogs - what will they think of next!

Tea for dogs – what will they think of next!

If you have any spare collar money and want to give it to the Movember campaign, I’m sure they would be very pleased to receive it. Just go to the MOVEMBER SITE

I’m just getting ready for Christmas now, so look out for my December blogs. Don’t forget to follow me by clicking the button on this page and there’s always Twitter

Don’t forget to come and see me in the New Year.

Luv, Ozy

The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly B&B, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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Tor Bagging

I’ve been on holiday (again). Ian, Lynne, Menace and Alan all went to Dartmoor for four days to get away from the stresses and strains of running a small rural guesthouse!

Dartmoor is like the Quantocks but with more prisons and loads bigger. It was also, and I know that you are going to find this hard to believe, nice weather wot woz good as I’m not sure I would have enjoyed getting wet every day.

Me with tors behind waiting to be bagged

Me with tors behind waiting to be bagged

The holiday started well with me being taken to my favourite shop, Jollyes, to choose some treats for the break. I chose three packs of posh biscuits for dogs from the Pet Bakery. I also stole some biscuits from the buckets on the floor – well, wot a stupid place to put biscuits – I ask you!

Ian wanted to go to Dartmoor to go ‘tor bagging’ this is where you go into the middle of nowhere, and then look for the highest point, then walk up to a load of rocks. Then when you’ve done that you look around for another load of rocks and walk up to those as well. I thort this woz GREAT although I woz a bit knackered at the end of the day.

Nearly as good as tor bagging woz going to the pub at lunchtime and I cannot recommend the Plume of Feathers in Princetown highly enough – they had a MENU FOR DOGS! Can you believe it? Ian quite liked the Dartmoor beer (Ian likes any beer!) but I had the doggie sausages, sliced and diced – SMASHING.

Doggie Menu - FANTASTIC. Well done the Plume of Feathers

Doggie Menu – FANTASTIC. Well done the Plume of Feathers

Other good pubs were the Exeter Inn, Ashburton (good Legend ale), the Rugglestone (reely good Cornish (or perhaps Devon) pasty, Widecombe-in-the-Moor and the Old Inn, also Widecombe, where Ian saw this sign…

Oh er missus!

Oh er missus!

All in all, it woz a reely good holiday, but I don’t think you can beat the Quantock Hills and I woz glad to get home.

If you want to discuss tor bagging with me, then just get your owner to give Ian or Lynne a call on 01278 732228 or e-mail me at woofwoof@theoldciderhouse.co.uk and I’ll be happy to show you some rocks wot you can walk up on the Quantock Hills.

Until next time, Ozy

The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly Bed and Breakfast, Quantocks, Somerset

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