Hannah’s Sweets

I have just done my Maths DCSE (Dog Certificate of Secondary Education). Blinking Nora, it woz difficult. One of the questions woz nearly impossible to answer.

ROVER’S BISCUITS

Rover has a number of biscuits, six black kennel-shaped biscuits and an unidentified number of orange fish-shaped ones. Overall he has ‘N’ biscuits.

Rover eats one of the biscuits – it’s black. He then eats another biscuit, this is also black.

The probability of him eating these two black biscuits is a third.

How many biscuits will be left?

I sat for a long time pondering this question. Finally I used the following formula to work it out:

N = 6 (black) + N-6 (orange) – 1 x black = N-6-1 (black) = 0

Therefore there are zero biscuits left.

Wen I got home I asked Ian to carry out a practical experiment to prove this and he did a video of me…


If you are having difficulty with your maths, come to The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly B&B.

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Coleridge Way

I’ve just had my 12th birthday , that makes me 89 according to the Pedigree Petfood website, wot is quite old (me not the site).

So, wot did Ian get me for my birthday? A new blanket to cover my knees or a hot water bottle to keep me warm at night?

Me in the wind on the Coleridge Way

Me in the wind on the Coleridge Way

No.

He took me on a 55 mile walk!

As you know, Ian is writing a book on the Coleridge Way wot starts in Nether Stowey and goes all the way to Lynmouth in Devon. He has nearly finished it and wanted to walk it one final time. I can’t actually remember agreeing to walk it with him and woz sort of carried along with the plan. The next thing I knew, I woz in the vets getting a health check to make sure I woz fit enough. The stupid vet said ‘yes’ and so we walked the entire path in three (yes, you heard me right – three) days!

Luckily the weather woz quite nice and I didn’t have to carry any food or water (Ian did that for me) and I just trotted off at a reasonable pace. We did nearly 18 miles on the first day with no trouble at all. I must admit I woz a bit tired at the end of the day, but other than that fine. The second day woz 17 miles and again it woz easy peasy, although Ian woz moaning a bit about the ups and downs and the third say no trouble at all as well. We then got up at the crack of dawn on the last day to walk an additional 4 miles so we could see where Coleridge went with his friends and to take drugs (Coleridge, not me and Ian).

The best bits of the walk were the sausages that Ian took with him on the first day, lunchtime and dinner and treats in pubs. Other than that, I’m not sure I can remember much. The scenery woz okay and meeting an adder woz a bit frightening, but walking 55 miles is not difficult – even if you are 89!

So, if you fancy walking the Coleridge Way, then give Ian or Lynne a call and they will help you.

Luv, Ozy

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How should dogs vote?

Vote carefully by licking the candidate you want.

Vote carefully by licking the candidate you want.

I have been wondering how I should vote in the election. So I have been scanning the manifestos of all the main parties looking to see what they say about dogs’ rights and how us dogs will be looked after in the future.

Dogservatives

There is nothing in the manifesto about dogs. This is disappointing as there are 8.3 million dogs, lots of them living in middle-class homes. These dogs have a lot of needs; kibble, nice places in the country to walk and like to travel abroad to their owner’s holiday homes in Provence etc. They would have a lot of pester power and could convince their owners to vote Tory.

 Labourdors

Their manifesto actually has stuff about dogs and animals:

We will build on our strong record on animal welfare – starting with an end to the Government’s ineffective and cruel badger cull. We will improve the protection of dogs and cats, ban wild animals in circuses, defend the hunting ban and deal with wildlife crime associated with shooting…

Whilst we would be bankrupt again it seems that they have our best interests at heart.

Liberal Dalmations

Nothing about dogs here at all. However, they do not appear to rule out forming an alliance with another breeds to form a government. All these dogs are owned by people wot work in schools or in local government.

UK Independent Pooch (UKIP)

These are run by a Rottweiler called Nigel. It is his intention to limit the number of foreign dogs wot can come into the country. This is all well and good but I am originally a Portuguese fishing dog wot worked in the north-east part of America. Would he let me in today?

Scottish Naughty Puppies (SNP)

These are reely naughty. I couldn’t find their manifesto on their website initially, until I found out you had to click on a picture of the fish woman with the funny haircut. Nothing about dogs – how will the Westies and Scotties know how to vote?

Greens

Blinking Nora, there’s loads of stuff on dogs here:

  • Strengthen the ban on hunting with dogs
  • Stop non-medical experiments, experiments using primates, cats and dogs
  • Completely review and update existing dog legislation, particularly relating to dog control
  • Ensure properly coordinated action on dog fighting
  • A requirement that dogs living in council owned homes should be micro-chipped

Monster Raving Loony Party

Nothing in the manifesto really about dogs, although I did like the policy for HMRC to give Nectar points to those paying their taxes on time. However, previous policies have included:

  • Abolition of dog licences (1987) – nothing yet on the abolition of the poetic licence.
  • Passports for pets (2001)
  • Pets, especially cats and dogs, may not be dressed in miniature human clothing for the purpose of human amusement

I’ll leave it up to you how you or your owner votes…

However, if you want to discuss politics with me call 01278 732228 or send me message at woofwoof@theoldciderhouse.co.uk 

Ozy

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The Grand Tour

Firstly, I know a lot of you have been worried cos you haven’t heard from me lately. This is because Ian is writing a book and decided that all other stuff had to be put on hold – including my blog. As Ian has now finished the initial draft and is on the first edit he sed he had a few minutes to type up a lot of backlogged dictation from me.

So wot have I been up to?

Well, I’ve just come back from a ‘Grand Tour’ of Europe. This is wot the Victorian middle classes used to do, and as I’m middle class I thort I’d do the same.

BELGIUM

Me with mad Belgian people

Me with mad Belgian people

Ian likes Belgium, mainly because it does gud beer this meant that we spent quite a lot of time in bars, which, on the whole is a gud thing as there are always opportunities to hoover up under tables and to beg food from other diners. However, the Belgians are a bit mad, including one couple wot insisted on having their photo taken with me.

Dog friendly rating ****

LUXEMBOURG

Very expensive water in Luxembourg

Very expensive water in Luxembourg

This is a funny little country wot is quite difficult to find, in fact Ian had to drive round and reverse a few times to make sure we were actually there.

It is a very rich country (2nd highest GDP per person) this is because of the exorbitant prices they charge for a beer. However, they were reasonably friendly. If you struggle to name a famous Belgian, then you will have no hope with a famous Luxembourgian! I didn’t spend long there.

Dog friendly rating ****

GERMANY

My first escalator

My first escalator

This woz our main destination and we hired a dog friendly apartment for a week.

Germany is reely dog friendly. There are loads of walks (wot are very well signposted), and all the bars and restaurants let dogs in – even reely posh ones – restaurants, not dogs.

Ian had bratwurst every day for lunch and I even got my own one, wot I bought out of my holiday money I had saved up from my tips.

Looking worried in the  German vets with scruffy lead

Looking worried in the German vets with scruffy lead

We did a lot of travelling by train in Germany and once Ian had worked out how to buy the tickets we went all over the place in including Heidleburg. However, I can report that German trains DO NOT run on time.

The only disaster was that I lost my lead and had to buy a new one.

Dog friendly rating *****

FRANCE

We stayed in Epernay in Champagne. I’m not a lover of champagne as the bubbles tend to go up my nose and with a nose the size of mine, this can be quite painful.

In posh French restaurant - Oh la la!

In posh French restaurant – Oh la la!

I’m not sure whether it woz just because we were in a posh area, but it wozn’t as dog friendly as I’d expected with a few ‘no dog’ signs placed at snout height to let me know I wasn’t wanted. Having said that most places did allow me in and people were very friendly.

Dog friendly rating ***

We went through the tunnel on the train thing and that was interesting and very efficient, and I can recommend this as a way to get to the Continent as it is not as up and down as a boat. Details of Le Shuttle here

So, I hope to be back blogging normally now – until next time.

Luv Ozy

If you’d like to discuss the EU, please come and stay with me here at The Old Cider House, Nether Stowey, Somerset – the UK’s most dog friendly accommodation

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HALLOWEEN

Whooooo!

Whooooo!

It’s been Halloween. This is the time of year that I get dressed up by Ian to look stupid. And do you know what? I let him do it on the basis that I might get a biscuit. How shallow is that!

This year I dressed up as a ghost by putting a tablecloth over me and then Ian put a plastic bucket on my head and took my picture.

Now, I have been doing sum research on photos and stuff using Ian’s Practical Law subscription (don’t tell him), and it appears that a photo of me is capable of amounting to personal data under the Data Protection Act 1998 if I am identifiable from the photograph. This probably means that the ghoul photo is okay, but the one with a bucket on my hed is definitely me.

This is demeaning!

This is demeaning!

Whilst consent is not always required for the processing of personal data the purpose for which the images are to be used may be relevant. And the purpose in this case… to make me look like a blinking idiot.

So what can I do about it?

Well I could write to the Information Commissioner’s office about misuse of my photo, or bring a claim before County Court for breach of the DPA.

Is anyone out there willing to do this on a pro bonio basis?

For more information on the Data Protection Act or just to talk about how awful life is contact me on 01278 732228 or woofwoof@theoldciderhouse.co.uk

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No Bonios For Dogtober

Guess what, I’m doing something for charity this month – giving up Bonios for October.

Why? I hear you say.

No Bonios for Dogtober

No Bonios for Dogtober

Well, Ian and Lynne are doing ‘Sober for October’ wot is a campaign run by MacMillan Cancer Support and humans have to give up drinking beer and wine and stuff for the whole of the month. They then get people to give them money.

This is a NIGHTMARE! Firstly Ian keeps moaning all the time about how he could really do with a beer and that ‘this meal really needs a glass of Cote de Rhone with it’ and worst of all we have stopped going to the pub! Ian says that this is to stop me being tempted to eat any Bonios that Bill in the George might give me. I have tried to argue that gravy bones are not Bonios, but Ian said that woz semantics (wotever that means).

So, here we are all being miserable for the month. It wasn’t so bad last year wen I did Movember  and Ian had to choose a moustache to put on me. So if you would like to sponsor me then you can go to Ian’s Sober of October page on the MacMillan site and give a few pounds.

If you want to come and be miserable with us call Ian or Lynne on 01278 732228

Ozy

The Old Cider House, Quantock Hills, Dog Friendly

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THE SCOTTISH RUFFERENDUM

I have been reely interested in the Scottie Rufferendum wot has been on the telly and the radio all the time and last week woz the decision.

Ozy's take on Scotland

Perhaps saying ‘Aye to Pie’ is contributing to the Scottish obesity problem?

The fish people (Salmond and Sturgeon) wanted all Scottie Dogs to be free and not to be told wot to do by the English who held their leads. However, when all dogs were asked wot they wanted they decided that they would rather be part of the United Dogdom.

However, the Scotties had to be bribed by the ‘Barkett Formula’ whereby all dogs in Scotland are given an extra 1,623 biscuits a year (about 10 boxes) because they are reely poor, despite the North Seal Oil they get. This seems to be bonkers given that 60% of Scottish dogs are overweight or obese and will put an extra strain on the NHS (Neaps, Haggis and Sausages).

And now the English dogs are complaining because they do not get any extra biscuits and Scottish dogs can decide how many biscuits they have. This is known as the ‘Westies loathe ‘em’ question.

So that nice Mr Cameron is now in a bit of a pickle. Wot does he do about stuff that only affects English dogs – or even Welsh Springers? He says that they should be able to decide how many biscuits they should have, but Mr Milliband has now had second thoughts – no that can’t be right because he rarely has a first thought – wotever, Milliband has loads of MPs in Scotland and they won’t be able to vote on stuff…

Talk about complicated – I’m glad I’m only a dog.

If you want to discuss stuff about Scotland, then come and visit me at The Old Cider House 

Luv, Ozy

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