Ozy Olympics

I have been asked my opinion on the Olympics wot have just finished by Alan from Sittingbourne.

While Team BG did reely well, most of wot they did is wot I do (or used to do) as a matter of course. So here’s my take on the last few weeks:

Beach Frisbee

Beach Frisbee

Jumping into green water – I’ve been doing this for years. Give me a stagnant pool of green infested algae or pond weed and I’m in like a shot. Never mind that I’m on my way to a restaurant or that Ian has forgotten my towel – green water is for jumping in.

Running after a tennis ball – Wot’s all this fuss about Andy Murray winning a gold? As far as I can see he didn’t manage to catch the ball once in his mouth. In addition, he had a tendency to want to get rid of the ball – tennis balls are for keeping and chewing up.

The ‘triple poo’ – This is where you do three or more poos whilst walking along the pavement. I have got reely good at this lately and think I may deserve a world record.

Modern Pentathlon – the running and swimming woz okay and I always use fencing to have a wee up. I don’t like horses and misheard the word ‘shoot’. All in all, not my best event.

Me walking 500 miles

Me walking 500 miles

But I’m now doing my own Olympic event – I am walking 500 miles before the end of the year. This is for charity – The National Animal Welfare Trust – and Ian even set up a charity account for me at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Ozy-the-Labrador if you can give me a penny a mile that would be fantastic and it would help all the poor dogs with no mummies (please note no money will go to any cats).

Until next time …

Ozy the Labrador, The Old Cider House, Dog Friendly Accommodation, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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Terrier May and the Cabinet

Terrier May is now our new Prime Minister after Andrea Leads-on dropped out of the race due to comments she made about Terrier not having any puppies.

Having Terrier as PM should be interesting and she has now put together her kennel of people wot will be running the country. Phillip Hammhound will be the new Chancellor of the Exchequer and will be in charge of counting the number of biscuits and making sure everyone gets a treat etc. The Home Secretary is Amber Pug and she will be doing the job wot Terrier did. George Osbone has got the sack because he lost the rufferendum.

Wot is really interesting is that Boris the Bulldog has been made Foreign Secretary. Boris is not very diplomatic sometimes and is likely to upset Alsatian Merkel, Great Danes and practically every other European breed of dog. Having said that, the ‘Bulldog’ is forthright and calls a spade a spade and wot you see is wot you get.16.07.15 Kitten heels

One thing wot intrigues me is why Terrier has been reported as standing on kittens? Not that I’m saying this is a bad thing, it’s just that I thort the cat lovers of the country would have something to say about this.

Finally – does anyone one else think Laura Kuenssberg is working more than a 48 hour week? Whenever I turn on the telly she’s there running between Westminster, Number 10 and Jeremy Corbyn’s little white house on that council estate … and John Pienaar’s been dragged out of retirement – poor bloke.

Ozy the Labrador

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Euro 2016 Dogxit

So why are we so rubbish at football?

Last week in the Euro 2016 men chasing a ball around the field game, England lost against a team called Iceland wot is not even a country but a shop where you can buy frozen stuff. This woz very bad, especially after losing the EU vote. Wot could possibly get worse? The UK getting ‘nil’ points in the Eurovision Song Contest?16.07.04 Labrador Teeshirt

Roy Dogson, the England Manager has resigned saying, “I am really disappointed. I didn’t see the defeat coming. Nothing in the first three games here gave me any indication that we would play as poorly as we did.” Obviously he hadn’t been watching the telly like everyone else.

So wot can we do to make things different next time?

  1. Training, training, training. The trouble is that UK footballers play a lot of games (chasing the ball, running, dribbling) but they do not play as a team very often. Therefore, when they get together they act like a bunch of collies at a village fete dog show.
  2. Incentivise the players. When they have done a good thing praise them. “Good boy Rooney” or “Come on Kyle – you can do it”. If they have done reely good, then they can have a biscuit – but not too many otherwise they will get fat.
  3. Tell them off when they have done something wrong. The players need to relate the telling off to the activity they have just undertaken. For example, Sterling’s hesitant play in the draw with Russia should have resulted in a tap on the nose with a copy of Pravda to reinforce the message.
  4. Encourage grassroots players. Young puppies should be encouraged to play with soft balls from an early age.
  5. Make them proud to play for England. At the moment they reely like playing for the Premiership coz it makes them loads of money. Playing for England isn’t very lucrative. Having said that Roy Dogson woz paid £3.5 million. Nice work if you can get it.
  6. Get Arsene Weimaraner to run the team. Normally he only manages teams wot have got similar names as him but he’s been over here for so long he might as well be British and the Gunners might be ready for him to go.
  7. Get the Premier League to run the England squad. This is not as daft as it sounds. The FA management team is full of people wot do not know very much about football; Martin Glenn (CEO) worked for a biscuit manufacturer before taking the job, Darren Bailey’s a lawyer, Clifford Burroughs woz a bingo caller and worked for a biscuit manufacturer – are you getting a theme here?
  8. Move the team to Leicester. This seems a gud idea and you can go from being rubbish to winning stuff.
  9. Cut their goolies off. Mine went and this didn’t affect my playing at all.

Whatever happens the next big match is 4th September when England play Slovakia in the World Cup qualifier. Either they have to be gud by them or don’t bother and save us all the disappointment of losing in the first round in Russia.

Ozy the Labrador, The Old Cider House

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Brexit for Dogs

Dear Ozy

I am being asked by all the people I send your Blog to on what your thoughts are on us leaving the EU?

Alan

Dear Alan,

Thank you for your e-mail asking me wot I think about the fact that the UK have voted to leave Europe.

Firstly, let’s consider Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty. I’m probably the only dog ever to have read this … In fact I’m probably the only individual who’s read it!

I find the red, white and blue goes better with my eyes

I find the red, white and blue goes better with my eyes

  1. Any dog may decide to withdraw from the EU in accordance with its own constitution. We had the Dogxit vote and most dogs decided that they wanted to be independent. I have the constitution of an ox and can eat the whole of a decomposing rabbit found in the woods without being sick (immediately).
  2. A dog wot decides to withdraw shall notify the European Kennel of its intention. I have drafted a letter to Jean-Claude Schnauzer saying that us UK dogs want to leave the Kennel of Europe because it is too big and lots of dogs are coming over here wot are too young and come from puppy farms.
  3. All Treaties (these are small treats I believe) shall cease to apply to UK dogs from the date of withdrawal or, failing that, two years after the notification. Two years is a long time for some dogs, especially the bigger ones. Therefore, we need to get things done quickly. I have told David Camerhound to get his finger out. Alternatively, perhaps that Jeremy Colliebyn culd help out as he appears to have a good grasp of the situation.
  4. UK dogs shall not participate in the discussions of the European Kennel. This shouldn’t be a problem as they never listened to us beforehand.
  5. If a dog wot has withdrawn from the Kennel asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. This is known as the hokey cokey procedure and is wot dogs are good at. When they are inside they want to go outside and when they are outside they want to come inside and scratch at the kitchen door – it’s wot dogs do.

All in all this is a bit of a Cockerpoo. However, nothing will change in the short run, except that all Bichon Frises will be required to return to France immediately.

So Alan, I hope that this answers your question. Next week I shall be discussing what I will be doing for the England football team now Roy Hodgson has resigned.

Ozy, The Old Cider House, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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Taking a Dog to France

Me visiting a chateau on holiday

Me visiting a chateau on holiday

I have been on holiday to France again with Ian and Lynne, Menace and Alan and Uncle and Auntie Biscuit.

This year we spent a few days in a place called Theillay wot is the town Nether Stowey is twinned with, right in the middle of France on the Loir-et-Cher (wot is a river). We spent loads of time with French families who fed me tons of stuff – mostly sausages made out of bits of pig that us English tend not to eat (or even feed to dogs). It woz GREAT, although it did have a touch of the Toulouse Trots afterwards!

There woz enough wine in one of those barrels for a whole evening's worth of  fun at The Old Cider House.

There woz enough wine in one of those barrels for a whole evening’s worth of fun at The Old Cider House.

Then we went down to the Dogdogne for a week. This is where we went last year so I knew what to do and where to go. The only issue was that that Alan and Menace were in the car as well and I woz a bit cramped – mainly because Ian had filled the car up with boxes of wine! Now don’t get me wrong; I like Ian drinking wine as he tends to be far more generous with treats and tit-bits as he wades through the bottle, but having to sit on the corner of a Côtes du Rhône case for hundreds of miles is a bit of a pain in the bottom.

I do like France; all the restaurants allow me in and French bread is just designed to be eaten by Labradors and can be easily passed to me under the table. I do not, however, like French vets, who are exactly the same as English vets but smell more garlicky.

Me taking my turn driving on our long journey to France

Me taking my turn driving on our long journey to France

On the way back we stopped at La Closerie Saint Martin, the B&B owned by our friends in the Loire. This is really nice although I had to be polite to Fado – the mad Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever wot lives there.

I am now a bit worried about what happens if we vote to come out of the European Union on Thursday. On the one paw I think it would be a good idea as it will stop the trafficking of under aged puppies from Eastern Europe and stop Bichon Frises from yapping. On the other paw, other countries may ban me from entering their countries. Have a look at my useful guide on the subject.

Decisions, decisions …

I mite do a special blog on the rufferendum on Friday – watch this space.

Ozy, The Old Cider House, The UK’s most dog friendly B&B.

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The EU Referendum

The postman delivered a load of rubbish this week, including a letter from HM Government about voting in the European Rufferendum.

Labrador Ozy with Passport

Me with my passport

Supposedly this booklet cost £9M (that’s an awful lot of Bonios) and its purpose is to let people know wot they should think. This seems a little bit Orwellian if you ask me, but that nice Mr Cameron thinks it is a good idea to stay in the EU.

So wot should us dogs think?

I travel to Europe regularly on holiday and like meeting other dogs (as long as they don’t bite me like a French dog did once). I do not, however, like foreign vets very much.

So, I have given Ian nine of my dog biscuits and have asked him to produce a simple guide that dogs (even Afghan Hounds) can understand.

Click on the picture below to read or follow this link: http://www.flipsnack.com/9EDEB697C6F/labrador-dog-view-on-the-european-referendum.html

Labrador view on EU referendum

Click above to view brochure

If you want to discuss wot the EU means please come to see me at The Old Cider House – the UK’s most dog friendly guesthouse.

Ozy

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Offshore Biscuit Haven

After a great deal of pressure, I feel that I need to clear up the issue of whether I have taken advantage of an offshore company to avoid paying tax.

As you are aware, I have always been open and transparent about my tax affairs and even published my tax return a few years ago SEE BLOG HERE.

Offshore kibble account.

Me with the £20 I saved by putting my kibble offshore.

I have never heard of to Mossack Fonseca (sounds like a pedigree dog to me) and the only Bahamas I know of are those yellow fruit wot Ian sometimes gives to me as a treat.

I do however, keep my biscuits in the laundry room. This is for safe keeping and nothing to do with saving money – it’s just a biscuit efficient location.

Ian buys the biscuits out of taxed income from the pet shop and transfers them into a biscuit efficient vessel. This is purely to keep them dry and crisp and nothing to do with tax. The biscuits are then kept in the laundry room until they are required by me on walks and stuff. I ask Ian for the biscuits and he opens the biscuit efficient vessel and takes out a handful and puts them in his pocket. He then transfers these biscuits into his other pocket leaving a few to avoid incurring any Canine Gains Tax (CGT). The rest are declared to me as and when required. Any biscuits that are left are returned to the biscuit efficient vessel and accounted for by creating Bearer Bones.

Chews are however treated differently.  I operate a Flexible Chewing Structure whereby I get Ian to take the chews down the pub and then eat those treats supplied by the pub. My chews can then be returned to the laundry room and used again at a later date. This is a double entry system used by many dogs and whilst morally suspect I am a dog and have no morals.

I hope this has cleared things up.

Ozy – store your biscuits with me here at The Old Cider House and I won’t tell anyone!

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