My mate Dave the Paunch at Spicerack is looking for a designer. I have applied for the job:
Dear Mr The Paunch,
I think I have the skills wot you need for your job:
I have 2 years experience of most things. I can design things and often rearrange the toys in my basket. I am very particular where Derek the Rat goes and I often put him on the sofa.
You will be familiar with the digital scene and relish working with big brands.
I watch digital television (mainly programmes about zoos) and listen to the Archers on the digital radio in the kitchen (for the farm animal noises). I am very oh fay with the dog food brands – Eukanuba, I AMs etc and can spot a carton of Birds custard through brick walls.
You will be working as part of a small team, conceptualising, designing and producing creative executions for digital, mainly web-based, projects. You will be experienced in producing creative for a wide range of online media, especially display ads, rich media and emails.
I can’t quite picture wot you mean by conceptualising, but I am good at creative executions and often see off a rabbit by shaking it to death. Producing creative is something wot I am really good at – I think (not sure wot it means really).
There will be great scope for career development and growth for the right person.
The successful applicant should:
• be degree qualified in a graphics discipline – I have a basic obedience certificate. Will that do?
• have at least 12 months’ experience of working at a digital agency – I have been blogging and Tweeting for at least a year
• be adept in designing with Flash Actionscript and timeline animations – Yep, sounds like me
• be a team player and confident communicator – For a Labrador I am quite gud at communicating.
• have a slick portfolio of highly creative and polished projects – I have a portfolio of my sick.
Salary will be dependent on experience, but competitive. The successful candidate will also be offered free membership at our excellent on-site health club. I usually work at the National Minimum Biscuit rate of 6.08 biscuits an hour.
Please send a covering letter and CV to: email@example.com
No recruitment agencies please.
Ozy the Labrador