Lots of things going on in the press this week of interest to me as a dog.
Firstly, I woz a bit confused about all the fuss concerning adoptions. It seems that David Cameron wants more people to adopt dogs wot aren’t necessarily of the same colour as their owners. For example, I am a black Labrador and my owners are white. This has not caused me any psychological problems and as long as the people wot look after me feed me I don’t care wot colour they are. If you had to match dogs to owners all the time it would be a NIGHTMARE. For instance, all them stupid dogs like Afghans would have to be looked after by stupid owners – having said that…
It woz also Crufts this week. This is an event wen posh and pampered dogs prance up and down in a show so people can see how pretty they are. GET A LIFE! Is wot I say. I could go there cos I am a pedigree. But wotz the point? Firstly you probably have to have a bath – not a quick dip in the stream or proper swim in the sea – no, a bath with Radox and stuff like Lynne has. Then you can’t go runnin’ about and stuff, just in case you get your fur all messed up. It would be soooo BORING.
Finally, My Dog Magazine (dot.com) has been trying to guess wot the most popular names of dogs will be this year. Historically they are: Bella, Max, Bailey, Lucy, Molly, Buddy, Maggie, Daisy, Chloe & Sophie. This year they are likely to be: Lady, Beiber, Kim, Perry, Obama, Shakira, Rhianna, Taylor, Charlie and Kanye (I think this survey might be American). Some names have fallen out of favour; Lassie (No. 1,572), Pluto (No. 1,009), Patch (No. 667), Spot (No. 659), Fluffy (No. 338), and Rex (No. 138).
Some people are naming their dogs after pop stars, so there’s Beyonce, Britney and Lady Ga Ga. Wot sort of person would name their dog Lady Ga Ga? The sort of person that would wear a telephone on their head is wot! I did, however, quite like Jimmy Chews, Ally McBeagle and Cindy Clawford.
We once had a dog staying at the Old Cider House called Brian Wilson (he woz a beach dog). But I think I’ll stick to Ozy (short for Ozymandias). Ian wrote a poem for me wen I woz a puppy:
I met a breeder from near Huntworth
Who said: `Four furry legs and eyes of brown’,
Sit in my kennel. Near them, on the earth,
Half chewed, a shattered teddy lies, whose frown,
And munched ears, and ripped innards demand,
Tell that its destroyer well that stuffing bled
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The paw that mocked them and the mouth that fed.
And on the kennel these words appear —
“My name is Ozymandias, dog of dogs:
Look on my works, ye Owners, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. The toys no more to play.
Of that bundle of fluff, boundless and bare
These stupid owners took the blasted dog away.
(With apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley)
You can come and stay with me wotever your name is (except GaGa).