Here follows the text of the Chancer of the Exchequer, the Rt Hon George Osbone’s, Budget Speech:
Mr Deputy Speaker (I’m not sure why the real Speaker couldn’t be bothered to turn up for such a special occasion, but there we are!)
Dogs are going to earn their way in the World there is no other way to recovery. We are soon to be on the road to strong growth, healthy bones and sparkly teeth as that is the only way to deal with the present record debts. We will penalise the fat cats (and any other overweight pets) and teach the top dogs a lesson (by lowering the top rate of tax – that’ll upset ’em!). While European breeds may be in recession; the Hungarian Vizsla, Great Danes and Irish Setters us English dogs* will help to stabilise the economy and save the Country (*Yes, I know that I am originally a Portuguese fishing dog taken to Canada!)
This brings me, Mr Deputy Speaker, to changes in duty and taxation.
The Coalition Government’s goal is to take low income owners who look after their dogs out of the income tax system wherever possible. Last year the personal biscuit allowance went up by 1,000, in two weeks’ time this will increase by a further 630 meaning that dogs can earn 8,105 biscuits a year without giving them to anyone else. This equates to more than 22 biscuits a day. Next year the rate will be increased to 9,205 (25/day). 22 biscuits are more than enough even for a big dog and for little dogs this is LOADS. At the National Minimum Biscuit Rate (6.08 biscuits and hour) all dogs can work for over 3½ hours a day without losing any of their biscuits.
So, how shall we pay for this reduction? Well it occurs to this Government that older dogs often have more biscuits than they can eat. Therefore, they shall have some of the biscuits they have saved up taken away from them. This will be done by sleight of paw whereby we will pretend to give them more biscuits but change the allowance system so they get less – SIMPLES.
High earning owners with kennels have also caused issues with aggressive dog avoidance being the norm. People will go out of their way to walk round dogs in kennels tied up with bits of rope and barking all the time, especially at farms and scrap yards. This is morally repugnant. Therefore the price of kibble, wood and rope for dogs in such situation will be raised by 7%. This will come into effect on 6th April this year.
Some dogs in poor places in the North do not have a very good diet and are given takeaways rather than Eukanuba or I AMs. Therefore to discourage this a new rate of VAT of 20% will be introduced on all hot pies and pasties. This will encourage more sensible eating and discourage binge eating on street corners. Pasties should be a treat not the norm!
Due to the high rate of fuel duty now payable and the requirement by our European Union partners to reduce the amount of fuel used, Dogs with large ears shall not now be allowed to stick their heads out of moving car windows. This shall reduce the amount of ‘drag’ and thus make cars more efficient. Whilst this will have a detrimental effect on dogs such as Basset Hounds, the savings to the economy will be significant. This new rule will be phased in when the average dog ear size has been established, and not later that 1st October 2012.
This is, as I have said before Mr Deputy Speaker, a Budget to get the Country out of the mess that that other Government got us into by borrowing loads and not paying it back. Whilst it may not be perfect, wotever the Milliband of Brothers and Ed Balls-up may suggest, I think it is okay.