George Osbone, the Chancer of the Exchequer has just made his Awful Statement to Parliament.
“Remember, there are no quick fixes, no turning back and we need to pull on the Country’s lead to drag our owners out of recession.
I have had to revise our growth forecasts and we must reduce the amount of kibble we eat, only eating more kibble when the economy allows for it. Hopefully, within 5 years, the kibble deficit will have been wiped out and we can get back to being greedy.
I will also work with HMRC to make sure the fat cats pay their tax. It seems that some companies, for example, Poodle, Houndazon and Starbarks have been using clever accountants to avoid paying wot they owe. This will stop. However, I will not be imposing a new tax on kennels as this would be a nightmare.The personal biscuit allowance will go up by 1,335 biscuits a year, meaning that you can keep all your biscuits up to 9,440. If you have loads of biscuits then the Government will take 41% of those biscuits away and give them to poor dogs. The 3p a litre rise in fuel will be cancelled so dogs will be able to afford to go on car journeys and stick their heads out of the windows. The London Underground’s Northern Line will be extended to Battersea Dogs Home and the M25 will be dug up again – how many bones did they bury?
There will also be incentives for extracting snail oil by fracking (at least I think that was wot was said). Broadband will also get faster so it will take less time to download my blogs and £1bn is to be given to puppy training courses so that UK dogs will be the best and better than emerging dogs like Brazilian Terriers or Indian Spitzs.
So that’s all I’ve got to say. However, if you’re really depressed about all these cuts, come and spend a few days with me at The Old Cider House, dog friendly B&B.”
P.S. I have been following David Cameron’s Twitter feed while watching the Statement. He’s a bit irreverent isn’t he – I wonder if he wants to follow me on Twitter?