Ian told me that the Pope has resigned. I have no idea wot a pope is so I looked it up on Dogipedia (the site run and edited by dogs). It appears the last Pope, Benedict XVI woz called God’s Rottweiler or the German Shepherd. So, I thort, if those dogs can be Pope, why not a Labrador? There is a lot of pressure to elect a Pope wot is from South America or Africa – and I am black – problem solved.
I looked to see if there woz a job description and here it is:
Job: Pope – Head of the Catholic Church. Flock leader. I wuld be good at this as I do not chase sheep.
Location: Vatican. I have no idea where this is but as long as it isn’t the Cativan I’m sure Ian would drive me there in his Citroën Belingo.
Pay: Negotiable. I usually work for the National Minimum Biscuit Rate.
Benefits: Company Popemobile, Accommodation. Good, that means Ian doesn’t need to use the Belingo for work related stuff and I hear that the Pope’s house is reely big – it’s called the Sistine Kennel.
Sex: Must be male. I am a boy dog although I have had my pocket picked!
Reporting to: Dog. Or at least that’s what I thort they said
Successful applicants will have responsibility for 1.2 billion people, have a good knowledge of the Bible and be good at public speaking and wearing dresses. Applicants will also be able to Tweet in Latin.
1.2 billion seems to be an awful lot of people to look after. Ian said it woz more than in the whole of Nether Stowey AND Bridgwater. I don’t know wot a Bible is but I do know wot books are – they are the things you can chew up if they are left on the floor. I often dress up for my blogs – so wearing a dress wuld be alright as long as it woz only at the weekends.
@ozythepope Possum Tweet in canis vel latina quamdiu Babelfish est opus proprie
I hear that I may be up against some strong competition. Bonio from U2 is said to be in the running as is Father Dougal Maguire from Father Ted and The Magic Roundabout.
Ian says I would make a very good Catholic priest as I am good with young children and understand the importance of grooming.
All in all I’m going off the idea of becoming a pope – especially as I’m more of a Richard Dawkins dog myself.
If you fancy discussing ecumenical matters or the existence of Dog, visit me here at The Old Cider House, Pope-friendly B&B, Quantocks, Quantock Hills, Somerset