So why are we so rubbish at football?
Last week in the Euro 2016 men chasing a ball around the field game, England lost against a team called Iceland wot is not even a country but a shop where you can buy frozen stuff. This woz very bad, especially after losing the EU vote. Wot could possibly get worse? The UK getting ‘nil’ points in the Eurovision Song Contest?
Roy Dogson, the England Manager has resigned saying, “I am really disappointed. I didn’t see the defeat coming. Nothing in the first three games here gave me any indication that we would play as poorly as we did.” Obviously he hadn’t been watching the telly like everyone else.
So wot can we do to make things different next time?
- Training, training, training. The trouble is that UK footballers play a lot of games (chasing the ball, running, dribbling) but they do not play as a team very often. Therefore, when they get together they act like a bunch of collies at a village fete dog show.
- Incentivise the players. When they have done a good thing praise them. “Good boy Rooney” or “Come on Kyle – you can do it”. If they have done reely good, then they can have a biscuit – but not too many otherwise they will get fat.
- Tell them off when they have done something wrong. The players need to relate the telling off to the activity they have just undertaken. For example, Sterling’s hesitant play in the draw with Russia should have resulted in a tap on the nose with a copy of Pravda to reinforce the message.
- Encourage grassroots players. Young puppies should be encouraged to play with soft balls from an early age.
- Make them proud to play for England. At the moment they reely like playing for the Premiership coz it makes them loads of money. Playing for England isn’t very lucrative. Having said that Roy Dogson woz paid £3.5 million. Nice work if you can get it.
- Get Arsene Weimaraner to run the team. Normally he only manages teams wot have got similar names as him but he’s been over here for so long he might as well be British and the Gunners might be ready for him to go.
- Get the Premier League to run the England squad. This is not as daft as it sounds. The FA management team is full of people wot do not know very much about football; Martin Glenn (CEO) worked for a biscuit manufacturer before taking the job, Darren Bailey’s a lawyer, Clifford Burroughs woz a bingo caller and worked for a biscuit manufacturer – are you getting a theme here?
- Move the team to Leicester. This seems a gud idea and you can go from being rubbish to winning stuff.
- Cut their goolies off. Mine went and this didn’t affect my playing at all.
Whatever happens the next big match is 4th September when England play Slovakia in the World Cup qualifier. Either they have to be gud by them or don’t bother and save us all the disappointment of losing in the first round in Russia.
Ozy the Labrador, The Old Cider House