Brexit for Dogs

Dear Ozy

I am being asked by all the people I send your Blog to on what your thoughts are on us leaving the EU?

Alan

Dear Alan,

Thank you for your e-mail asking me wot I think about the fact that the UK have voted to leave Europe.

Firstly, let’s consider Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty. I’m probably the only dog ever to have read this … In fact I’m probably the only individual who’s read it!

I find the red, white and blue goes better with my eyes

I find the red, white and blue goes better with my eyes

  1. Any dog may decide to withdraw from the EU in accordance with its own constitution. We had the Dogxit vote and most dogs decided that they wanted to be independent. I have the constitution of an ox and can eat the whole of a decomposing rabbit found in the woods without being sick (immediately).
  2. A dog wot decides to withdraw shall notify the European Kennel of its intention. I have drafted a letter to Jean-Claude Schnauzer saying that us UK dogs want to leave the Kennel of Europe because it is too big and lots of dogs are coming over here wot are too young and come from puppy farms.
  3. All Treaties (these are small treats I believe) shall cease to apply to UK dogs from the date of withdrawal or, failing that, two years after the notification. Two years is a long time for some dogs, especially the bigger ones. Therefore, we need to get things done quickly. I have told David Camerhound to get his finger out. Alternatively, perhaps that Jeremy Colliebyn culd help out as he appears to have a good grasp of the situation.
  4. UK dogs shall not participate in the discussions of the European Kennel. This shouldn’t be a problem as they never listened to us beforehand.
  5. If a dog wot has withdrawn from the Kennel asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. This is known as the hokey cokey procedure and is wot dogs are good at. When they are inside they want to go outside and when they are outside they want to come inside and scratch at the kitchen door – it’s wot dogs do.

All in all this is a bit of a Cockerpoo. However, nothing will change in the short run, except that all Bichon Frises will be required to return to France immediately.

So Alan, I hope that this answers your question. Next week I shall be discussing what I will be doing for the England football team now Roy Hodgson has resigned.

Ozy, The Old Cider House, Quantock Hills, Somerset

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Taking a Dog to France

Me visiting a chateau on holiday

Me visiting a chateau on holiday

I have been on holiday to France again with Ian and Lynne, Menace and Alan and Uncle and Auntie Biscuit.

This year we spent a few days in a place called Theillay wot is the town Nether Stowey is twinned with, right in the middle of France on the Loir-et-Cher (wot is a river). We spent loads of time with French families who fed me tons of stuff – mostly sausages made out of bits of pig that us English tend not to eat (or even feed to dogs). It woz GREAT, although it did have a touch of the Toulouse Trots afterwards!

There woz enough wine in one of those barrels for a whole evening's worth of  fun at The Old Cider House.

There woz enough wine in one of those barrels for a whole evening’s worth of fun at The Old Cider House.

Then we went down to the Dogdogne for a week. This is where we went last year so I knew what to do and where to go. The only issue was that that Alan and Menace were in the car as well and I woz a bit cramped – mainly because Ian had filled the car up with boxes of wine! Now don’t get me wrong; I like Ian drinking wine as he tends to be far more generous with treats and tit-bits as he wades through the bottle, but having to sit on the corner of a Côtes du Rhône case for hundreds of miles is a bit of a pain in the bottom.

I do like France; all the restaurants allow me in and French bread is just designed to be eaten by Labradors and can be easily passed to me under the table. I do not, however, like French vets, who are exactly the same as English vets but smell more garlicky.

Me taking my turn driving on our long journey to France

Me taking my turn driving on our long journey to France

On the way back we stopped at La Closerie Saint Martin, the B&B owned by our friends in the Loire. This is really nice although I had to be polite to Fado – the mad Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever wot lives there.

I am now a bit worried about what happens if we vote to come out of the European Union on Thursday. On the one paw I think it would be a good idea as it will stop the trafficking of under aged puppies from Eastern Europe and stop Bichon Frises from yapping. On the other paw, other countries may ban me from entering their countries. Have a look at my useful guide on the subject.

Decisions, decisions …

I mite do a special blog on the rufferendum on Friday – watch this space.

Ozy, The Old Cider House, The UK’s most dog friendly B&B.

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The EU Referendum

The postman delivered a load of rubbish this week, including a letter from HM Government about voting in the European Rufferendum.

Labrador Ozy with Passport

Me with my passport

Supposedly this booklet cost £9M (that’s an awful lot of Bonios) and its purpose is to let people know wot they should think. This seems a little bit Orwellian if you ask me, but that nice Mr Cameron thinks it is a good idea to stay in the EU.

So wot should us dogs think?

I travel to Europe regularly on holiday and like meeting other dogs (as long as they don’t bite me like a French dog did once). I do not, however, like foreign vets very much.

So, I have given Ian nine of my dog biscuits and have asked him to produce a simple guide that dogs (even Afghan Hounds) can understand.

Click on the picture below to read or follow this link: http://www.flipsnack.com/9EDEB697C6F/labrador-dog-view-on-the-european-referendum.html

Labrador view on EU referendum

Click above to view brochure

If you want to discuss wot the EU means please come to see me at The Old Cider House – the UK’s most dog friendly guesthouse.

Ozy

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Offshore Biscuit Haven

After a great deal of pressure, I feel that I need to clear up the issue of whether I have taken advantage of an offshore company to avoid paying tax.

As you are aware, I have always been open and transparent about my tax affairs and even published my tax return a few years ago SEE BLOG HERE.

Offshore kibble account.

Me with the £20 I saved by putting my kibble offshore.

I have never heard of to Mossack Fonseca (sounds like a pedigree dog to me) and the only Bahamas I know of are those yellow fruit wot Ian sometimes gives to me as a treat.

I do however, keep my biscuits in the laundry room. This is for safe keeping and nothing to do with saving money – it’s just a biscuit efficient location.

Ian buys the biscuits out of taxed income from the pet shop and transfers them into a biscuit efficient vessel. This is purely to keep them dry and crisp and nothing to do with tax. The biscuits are then kept in the laundry room until they are required by me on walks and stuff. I ask Ian for the biscuits and he opens the biscuit efficient vessel and takes out a handful and puts them in his pocket. He then transfers these biscuits into his other pocket leaving a few to avoid incurring any Canine Gains Tax (CGT). The rest are declared to me as and when required. Any biscuits that are left are returned to the biscuit efficient vessel and accounted for by creating Bearer Bones.

Chews are however treated differently.  I operate a Flexible Chewing Structure whereby I get Ian to take the chews down the pub and then eat those treats supplied by the pub. My chews can then be returned to the laundry room and used again at a later date. This is a double entry system used by many dogs and whilst morally suspect I am a dog and have no morals.

I hope this has cleared things up.

Ozy – store your biscuits with me here at The Old Cider House and I won’t tell anyone!

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Ozy on Drugs

Next month I will be thirteen and, according to the Pedigree dog age calculator I shall be 96 in human years. This is worrying for two reasons. Firstly, 96 is reely old and secondly the Pedigree dog age calculator doesn’t have a human equivalent for fourteen years – perhaps they are trying to tell me something!

As I am getting on a bit Ian took me to the vets yesterday for my annual MOT.

I do not like the vets. It’s full of sick dogs and cats and the vet smells funny. It’s the same abroad and French and German vets smell the same – ‘funny’.

Wotever, the vet said that I was very fit with just a few lumps and bumps and very slim – however, I could do with sum drugs.

Now I am usually very anti drugs – I have seen how they have ruined dogs’ lives; dogs hooked on caninebis and cockercaine. Just look at any farm collie wot is completely mad because of eating too much cow poo wot is full of antibiotics. Then there are the dangers of LSD – large stupid dogs.

However, the drugs wot the funny smelling vet gave me are not hard drugs they are for making your back legs work better. It’s got stuff like glucosamine and vitamins in it. The only problem is that it tastes DISGUSTING! So I spit out the capsules or try to leave the bits of food that Ian has sprinkled the stuff on.

Ian has also got a bad taste in his mouth – the vet’s bill woz £93.

See my video below or CLICK HERE

So until next time – keep well and don’t forget to visit me at The Old Cider House.

Ozy

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NEW YEAR DIET

Ian has decided we all need to go on a diet.

Well, actually, Ian needs to go on a diet as he spent most of the Christmas and New Year period in the pub with his mates and Uncle Biscuit drinking loads of Stowey Ale beer!

So I have been doing a bit of research to find out wot diet would be good for a Labrador:

16.01.03 Ozy Diet

I’ve fainted with hunger already!

WeightWatchers

This is based on a points’ system. No foods are banned and you daily and weekly ‘Smartpoints®’ and ‘Fitpoints’. For example, my normal kibble would be my daily allowance and I could have some Bonios each week with some chews. The Fitpoints are easy as I go on a walk every day. This looks like it might be a good thing to go on as it’s what I normally do.

Slim-Fast

This replaces two meals with a milkshake and then I can have a sensible meal in the evenings. Some snacks are allowed. However, the real drawback is that one of the shake flavours is chocolate and dogs must NEVER eat chocolate. Probably not good for dogs.

Cabbage Soup

This is where you eat cabbage soup. HORRIBLE

New Atkins

This involves staving the body of carbohydrates. It’s protein-rich diet with no restrictions on fat. This sounds FANTASTIC. I can go without biscuits and just eat meat.

5:2 Fast Diet

This is where you can eat as much as you like on five days but on two days you have to eat less. This sometimes happens when Ian forgets to feed me. It sounds like it might be alright, but one of the side-effects is bad breath – WOT am I talking about, I’ve always got bad breath!

NHS weight loss plan

This is really boring. Wot you do is just eat less and move more. However, it’s wot most diets are.

So all in all I prefer the Atkins diet – but first I must work out my BMI (Body Mass Index). To do this I need to take my weight and height and Ian pushes some buttons on his little machine and …. WHAT THE …

16.01.03 Ozy BMI

Ozy the Labrador

To come and stay with me at the UK’s most dog friendly guesthouse call 01278 732228 or e-mail woofwoof@theoldciderhouse.co.uk

 

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As you are aware a few months ago some of our guests wot come all the time wrote a letter to the Kennel Club to say we were reely dog friendly here at The Old Cider House. We then had to get people to vote for us; so I got Ian to send stuff out on the e-mail and Twitter and Snoutbook and wotever and we crossed our paws and hoped that we would win.

Last week Lynne got a call from the Kennel Club to say that we had got the most votes in our category and we had won the bestest B&B/Hotel. This is fantastic. We got 1,836 votes wot was 11% of the total votes cast.

On Saturday I sent Alan and Glenny together with Uncle and Auntie Biscuit AND Barky Harvey up to the Excel Centre in London to be presented with my prize (sorry OUR) prize; a bit of glass with some words on it.

I would like to thank all those people wot voted for us and Ian has said that all dogs visiting up until Easter next year can come and stay for free. You just have to tell him that you’ve read this blog when booking.

I hope to see you all in the next year at the UK’s most dog friendly guesthouse.

Luv, Ozy

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